Waiting…

Today is a hard day. Waiting I have found is one of the hardest things we must do in life. Waiting for an answer, waiting for a big change in life, waiting for God to light your path just a little further. And today is a day of waiting.

Tomorrow I find out what the results of two LONG months of treatment have been.  I found out tomorrow if my chemotherapy is working. We have reached the end of our current plan and must start to formulate the next phase of treatment. I have done all I can do. The Doctors have done all they can do, and tomorrow we find out what this past few months has resulted in. And I will be honest, it is just plain scary. Tomorrow will be a day where we WILL see answers to prayers, but the hardest part is that we don’t know if those answers will be.  Yes, No, or Not yet.

I am finding that in these moments of waiting, I am faced with my hardest battle against fear. The unknowns feel overwhelming and daunting. I don’t doubt God’s ability to heal, or His desire. God desires all his children to be whole and unaffected by sin. Not marred by the depravity of sin and it’s brokenness. But there is also the hard reality, that it might not be His will to heal me. The answer we receive tomorrow may be a “No” or a “Not yet”. And that reality makes my heart ache. As a human, these are the moments that are hardest for me to understand. They hurt and there is just no way around it.

But in these moments God is faithful to remind me of His truths. This morning verses Isa 55:8-9 came to my mind, “‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,’ declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth so are My ways higher than your ways. And My thoughts than your thoughts.'” This may seem like an odd comfort to some, but there is a deep truth here that is a balm to my soul. God is bigger than me.

Would God really be worth serving if we understood every purpose or bend in the road? If I could see my future and know everything about my life I could be my own god. If I understood God perfectly would He really be worth worshiping? Worth serving?

I relish the fact that I serve a BIG and POWERFUL God. That is exactly why I have made it my life goal to serve Him. He is bigger than we can imagine. He is able. He is faithful. But there is a flip side to this truth that tends to make many uncomfortable. If we serve a God that big, than we must accept that we will never fully understand every purpose He has for us. Our minds are physically unable to comprehend everything God has planned for us. We are too small. Our scope of understating is so small, in fact, that there is no way we could understand the “big picture” of life with the clarity and understanding that God has. These two truths come hand in hand.

These two concepts are difficult on a good day. But because God is so loving and faithful in the next few verses of Isaiah 55 we see a beautiful response and comfort to us in this hard truth. God tells us that there is absolutely nothing, no word or deed, from God that is without purpose. And what’s more, there is nothing in this world that can stop those purposes from being fulfilled!

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread for the eater; so will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.” (Isa 55:10-11)

The imagery in these verses is so beautiful to me.  It’s almost as if God is saying- Hey, I know that this truth is hard. You will never understand everything, BUT remember I am the God who sees all, plans all, creates all AND I have purposes for every one of your breaths! God is reminding each of us that He can see the whole picture. Where our vision is blurry or even in some cases completely black, God sees it all! From the rains that water the earth, to the seeds that sprout with that moisture, to the bread I eat because of those seeds- none of it happens without God’s knowing. And His perfect purposes will be accomplished in everything. What a comfort to know that even when I don’t understand, when we love God and seek to serve Him, His purposes will be fulfilled in big ways!

These are the verses I will cling to today. This is what I will choose to dwell on and believe. God has a purpose for my life. And no matter what the results of tomorrow are those purposes have not changed. Cancer has not taken away God’s power or thwarted His plans. In reality, God is working through this in mighty and powerful ways! His power may be shown in miraculous ways, or He may ask me to be faithful a while longer with a ‘Not yet” or “No” answer to my prayers. But no matter God’s plan for my life this truth remains the same: God’s Word never returns empty. It is full of deep purpose.

The most vital purpose being  His people hearing truth and knowing that there is a God that loves them! God wants His children to know Him and be known by Him! To experience a life that may be uncertain, but is never without purpose. And if in this trial even one person comes to understand this truth, and turn to the God who loves them, than I can deal with this waiting. Deal with this pain and struggle. That is a purpose I am most willing to be a part of. An eternal purpose that brings joy everlasting.

I may never understand why God has asked me to walk this road. Some days God’s plan just seems to hurt. This morning I feel like asking why? Why God must I go through this trial? But I also know I serve a big God who has big purposes for each and every breath I take. And that for today will have to be enough. I will dwell on God’s truth and ask for the courage I lack right now. For the courage to say- Your will, not mine be done. Trusting that God has a purpose for each day I walk on this path, and that that purpose if bigger and greater than anything I can imagine. Because every day until now and for every day to come God has been faithful to give me just enough grace for today…