Good Fight…

The last few weeks have been ones of true struggle.  I have been battling chronic severe pain in my back and left shoulder. As many of you know we found out at the beginning of May that my cancer had metastasized to my spine, and then last week we found that it has also metastasized to several other areas of bone, my left scapula included. Yet another punch to the gut that we were not expecting. If you will let me lay my heart completely bare before you, I would say the last few punches have left me feeling somewhat weary.

My Dad has always loved the movie series – Rocky. They were on TV last weekend while he was here visiting so we watched them! And call me crazy, but boy if didn’t start to identify with that character! However cheesy that sounds! I’m starting to feel a little like Rocky in his first fight with Apollo Creed. Round after round Rocky keeps taking punches. He is being pummeled. His face bleeding, swollen, and bruised. The pain on his face each time he takes a seat in his corner is evident, and I feel like this many days on this journey. We keep receiving punches. Getting beat up by this cancer and its lack of response to modern medicine. But the great thing about Rocky is that he never stops fighting through the pain. Fighting against the odds. My heart says I just want to go the distance, but I’m battered and bruised in more ways than I can count.

Cheesy movie analogies aside, I have truly come to a place where I understand pain better than I ever have in my life. And it sucks. I don’t like my new reality. I constantly have to think about if that one bit of activity will be too much for my body. Where I once had the active and full life of a 30-year-old woman, I now have a life that is structured around my pain and especially pain control. It’s another “new normal” that I must attempt to adjust to. Now the challenge for me is this- I can wallow in my pain. Be angry at God for my “new reality,” OR I can choose to continue to fight the good fight. Go the distance. Let God be my strength in a time when I have no strengthen left on my own.

The thing I have written to you over and over is that my circumstances can’t change God. Now is my opportunity to put my money where my mouth is. Do I still believe this is true? When doctor visit after doctor visit I have received bad news, do I still believe God is good? When my pain is out of control and the physical pain has brought me to tears, do I still believe God loves me? The answer is YES.

God never promised a life free of pain and suffering (John 16:33). He instead promised we would struggle. But the flip side of that coin is that He promised He could redeem our suffering for His purposes and our good (Romans 8:28). He promises that He will never leave our side (Hebrews 13:5b). And He has promised that His plan for our lives is always for our good. So, despite the pain, I will continue to say God is completely good. God still loves me unconditionally. And God is for me, not against me.

Recently, I read a quote that gave me some perspective on my pain. Not necessarily just the physical pain, but the pain of this trial overall. In a book called “The Land Between: Finding God in Difficult Transitions” the author spends some time discussing pain. He explains that we can use our pain as a fuel to push forward with God, or we can allow it to stifle our relationship with Him. Manion says this about pain:

“Pain is purposeful when we respond to God with open and receptive hearts in the midst of deep trial. God intends to grow something beautiful and deep and lasting, but we must cooperate with God for the season of hardship to work its intended transformation. Don’t let your detour go wasted. You are in training, and God is up to something good.”

This sentiment has been echoed MANY times in the last few weeks in my life. I have found this message in several books, sermons, and more importantly in my time in the Word. God has repeatedly said to me- Don’t waste your pain! Pain is the place where transformation takes place the most, or at least with the most depth. In the fire of trials, we understand with immense clarity our NEED for God, and in that space, we then find our need for His transformative work in our lives. Like Romans 8:28 says God can work all things for our good, so if we let Him, He will use the pain and struggle in our lives to transform our hearts AND lead others to know Him more!

Wasting my pain is my natural bend. I want to run from pain, hardship. Get as far away from struggle as physically possible. I naturally avoid people, things, and places that bring me pain. This isn’t all bad, part of it is instincts that keep you and I safe. BUT when you are in the mist of trial that you CAN’T change and won’t be able to get away from, my message to you is this: Quit trying to run. Lean into God instead! Let your pain be used by God to change your heart and your life! Let this be a defining moment that makes you more like Jesus Christ!

I can’t get away from this trial. Cancer is my reality, but it does not define who I am. I am God’s precious and beloved daughter, and I am going to press into Him during this season. With His leading I will not waste my pain. I will seek to serve others, and love others well. And by His strength I will go the distance. Because at the end of this journey I want to be able to say, like Timothy did: “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” (2 Timothy 4:7) All I can do is pray that I will be able to say those words and have God respond with, “Well done my good and faithful servant.” And I will continue to fight this fight, because He continues to give me just enough grace for today…