365 Days

Never in a million years did I think that one of my children would see Jesus face to face before I did. But here we are… 365 days after we watched Demrie take her last breath and fly to Jesus. 365 days of learning to live without the very best of us. Days of lament and tears. Days of remembering. Days of sorrow. Days of Joy. Days of trusting in and clinging to Gods Promises. Days of trying to figure out what our new normal looks like.

So… when God asked me to write a blog, I was like OK Lord, but I have no words… I got nothin… You’ll have to provide. A couple days ago I was prompted to look in a box that’s been sitting upstairs for months. On top was a journal full of Dem’s words that spoke directly to my broken Momma’s heart. Boy, does He provide.

“One day you are living life as well as you can- trying to love God with your whole self, trying to love people in a way that they might know Him more, trying to keep an eternal perspective in a world full of hurts and joys. Then… a day can come along and change everything. Change your vision, pull the rug out from under you- and every other possible cliché you could ever come up with. How can one minute or one sentence immediately change every thought of today or of your tomorrows? My one minute-sentence- was “you have cancer” Today is a kind of mourning. I see my friends, loved ones, family doing things like getting married and having babies. Even more, what some may consider mundane things like celebrating birthdays, posting funny videos of their dog… And I mourn the loss of my normal. My life is comprised of doctor appointments and hospital visits and many conversations about cancer and my “new normal” doesn’t feel very normal at all.

But if I have learned anything in the past few months- it’s that God is not calling me to dwell in what used to be. There are days when he does ask me to mourn my losses. (Blessed are those who mourn, Matthew 5:4a) This verse doesn’t say to mourn and cry all day, to stay in your puddle of tears with only your sadness to keep you company, but I think we often add our own paraphrased version because of the pain. Pain aches in ways we thought not possible- it knocks us to our knees and seeks to keep us there. Our mistake is not in mourning our pain, but in staying there… Jesus implies in this verse that mourning will happen. If we choose not to stay in our pain there is a blessing awaiting us. Our blessing comes after the hard work of grieving and feeling our pain. Believe me, it is painstakingly hard work to mourn- it hurts in all the wrong ways and seems to revive every distress we’ve ever felt. But at the end is Jesus promised blessing. His promise is Comfort. (and they shall be comforted, Matthew 5:4b)

The beauty I find in this verse and others is God is not asking me to pretend like my new normal doesn’t hurt, in fact, He invites me to mourn, to get real with Him. Sometimes I catch myself feeling like God is separate from my pain, like He is unaware or uncaring. But that is so far from the truth. God desires we bring our pain to Him- to lay it at His feet, the only place we will ever find true and lasting comfort. 2 Corinthians 1:3 says God is a God of “all comfort” Paul goes on to say God comforts us in all our afflictions. That means very single one. No pain is outside of His ability to provide comfort for. What a beautiful Truth to cling to. I serve a God who not only knows all my pain (Hebrews 4:14-16) but desires to comfort me in my sorrow and pain.”

Beautiful words God gave us from our beautiful girl. Words that speak to how much we miss her, how our hearts ache so without her. Words that encourage us to seek comfort from the Ultimate Comforter. We often need that encouragement when the sorrow is crashing over us. We are attempting to live our “new normal” well, trying to work through the pain of mourning with Jesus help. Not gonna lie, it hurts like crazy, but He blesses us with gifts like her journal which are priceless. Thank you Jesus.

Seems that I do have words once I start writing. I have many stories of how God is moving because of Dem’s life and death, but I will save them for another time because I think Demrie said it all. I will end with a message Dem wrote for my 1st birthday after she went Home.

“I’m really not sure what this year looked like for you all- extremely difficult. But I can tell you for sure, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are up here interceding for you… I love you with all my heart Momma… keep leading people to Jesus despite the sorrow- it will eventually change, Jesus never will.”

He never will baby girl.

See you in a little while Dem.